As a brief introduction to the beautiful, diverse, and culturally rich country of India, I present to you:
101 ways to die in India
as written by the amazing Melissa
{I could never top hers}
Before I get started, I find it interesting the many misconceptions that people have about India. Sure, I haven't been there yet. But I have a feeling that this incredible country has much more to offer than death, starvation, yoga, disease, forced prostitution, etc. Much, much more. And I'm about to set out to find it. In the last few months, I have heard just about everything (Melissa sums it all up pretty nicely!). I know I could die, I know my plane could crash as it tries to land in a third world overpopulated country. I know I know I know. But...life is about adventure. risk. And...I find it very interesting that as people tell me the millions of different ways I could die, I come to find out that they have never been to India, let alone the eastern hemisphere so to put it bluntly...just keep your ideas about my "homicide" to yourself :)
But for the record, I am taking every precaution and I will make sure to stay away from the tricky street vendors with rebottled unsealed water and the crazy rickshaw drivers, etc. But you can't keep me away from the elephants. Annnnddd, yes, I'm a little nervous. But more excited!
Here it is. 101 ways to die in India by Melissa:
1. Don't eat yogurt.
2. Don't drink buffalo milk.
3. In fact, don't eat dairy at all.
4. Don't drink the water from the tap.
5. Don't sallow the water in the shower.
6. Don't drink the rain water.
7. In fact, don't drink water at all.
8. Because even boiling it won't help.
9. Don't eat this type of curry. You will throw up and die.
10. Don't eat that type of curry. You will just throw up.
11. Don't eat this other type of curry. You will have endless diarrhea.
12. The spices will be too hot and make you ill.
13. The chai will be spicy and make you ill.
14. Don't eat street food.
15. Unless it is cooked. But even then you will get endless diarrhea.
16. Don't eat fruit.
17. Unless it has a skin to peel. But even then you will get sick.
18. In fact, anything you eat will give you diarrhea and make you terribly ill.
19. You know what, just avoid eat anything from India at all.
20. Don't fast though, you may be inspired by the sadhus you see, but if you do you will die.
21. Oh and don't eat the meat.
22. Especially beef. Either cows or people will get you.
23. Don't eat the pork.
24. Don't eat the chicken.
25. Don't eat the monkeys, water buffalo, dogs, cats, elephants, camels or any other animal.
26. We don't care if you are vegetarian, that will make you ill too.
27. Also, if you eat anything there is a good chance it is drugged.
28. Don't smile anyone. This will result in automatic kidnapping.
29. Don’t talk to anyone. This will result in automatic kidnapping.
30. Don’t acknowledge anyone. This will result in automatic kidnapping.
31. Avoid getting friendly with even the people you know. This may result in kidnapping.
32. Don't travel around the city. You will get lost and kidnapped. And probably killed.
33. Don't walk. You will get run over by crazy elephants.
34. Don't walk. You will get run over by crazy bike rickshaws.
35. Don’t walk. You will get run over by crazy auto-rickshaws.
36. Don’t walk. You will get run over by crazy cars.
37. Don’t walk. You will get run over crazy buses.
38. Don’t walk. Toxic pollutants will soak into your feet from the street flith.
39. Don’t ride elephants. You will fall off and die.
40. Don’t ride bike rickshaws. You will be maimed or die.
41. Don’t ride auto rickshaws. You will be maimed or die.
42. Don’t ride the buses. You will crash or tumble off a cliff and either way die.
43. Don’t ride the trains. They explode.
44. Don’t ride the metro. It is too much like New York where bad things happen.
45. Don’t leave the apartment. Bad things will happen.
46. Don’t stay in the apartment. You will be robbed then killed.
47. Don’t travel to other cities. Bad things will happen.
48. Don’t go to the country side. Bad things will happen.
49. Don’t go outside. If you do will get malaria.
50. In fact, you will get malaria no matter what.
51. Don’t breathe around other humans. If you do you will get TB.
52. Polo. You’ll get it somehow.
53. Don’t touch anything metal. If you do you will get tetanus.
54. Don’t eat, drink or touch anything. If you do you will get Hepatitis A and B.
55. It doesn’t matter if you have medication or have had vaccines for these illnesses you will get them anyway.
56. Don’t go out at night. You will automatically disappear and never been seen again.
57. Don’t go out alone. You will automatically disappear and never been seen again.
58. As a woman, you should especially never do the two aforementioned points. You will disappear extra mysteriously and never be seen even more indefinitely.
59. Also as a woman, you should never go running. Staring and perhaps something more dangerous will happen.
60. As a woman, you should not rock climb or climb any other structure. Something dangerous will happen.
61. As a woman, you should not interact with men at all. Bad and unspeakable things will happen.
62. As a woman, you must dress to cover your legs or something terrible will happen.
63. As a woman, you must dress to cover your shoulders or something terrible will happen.
64. As a woman, you must dress, at times, to cover your hair or something terrible will happen.
65. As a woman, you will be “eve-teased” to the point of near death.
66. Frankly, as a woman, your chances of survival are slim.
67. Watch out for the monkeys. They will get in a fight with you then give you rabies.
68. Watch out for the elephants. They will trample you.
69. Watch out for the cows. They’ll do something bad to you.
70. Watch out for the newly discovered flesh eating virus that lives in puddles.
71. Watch out for human traffic. You might be trampled.
72. Watch out for Human Traffickers. You might be trafficked.
73. Avoid festivals. There will be a mass stamped and you will be trampled.
74. Avoid Hindu temples. You might break the rules and be harmed.
75. Avoid Buddhist temples. You might break the rules and be harmed.
76. Avoid Sikh temples. You might break the rules and be harmed.
77. Avoid Mosques. You might break the rules and be harmed.
78. Avoid Baha’i temples. You might break the rules and be harmed.
79. Just avoid religion in general. It is just too controversial for your health.
80. Avoid too much sight-seeing. You will go blind.
81. Avoid the markets/bazaars. You may barter poorly and be harmed.
82. Pickpockets will get you and steal everything.
83. You’re identity will be stolen and you will lose everything.
84. The beggars will make you feel bad and you give all you have.
85. Baksheesh will confuse you and in the process you will lose all your money.
86. Don’t do anything vaguely illegal. You will be arrested and rot in a jail forever.
87. Don’t do drugs in India. They’ll kill you, just like in the U.S.
88. Don’t do drugs in India. You will be arrested and rot in a jail forever.
89. Don’t fly on Air France’s Air Bus on your way to India. It’ll crash.
90. Don’t fly on Air France’s Air Bus on your way from India. It’ll crash.
91. Terrorists. Self explanatory.
92. Don’t go near the rivers, no matter how holy. You will drown.
93. Don’t climb a mountain. You will fall off and die.
94. Don’t climb a mountain. You will get lost and freeze to death.
95. Avoid the ocean. Bad oceanic things will happen: tsunamis, sharks, rogue waves, drowning.
96. Avoid forests. Bad forest-like things will happen: fires, elephants, rogue animals, lost.
97. You will actually probably get lost no matter where you go.
98. The hot weather will give you heat-stroke.
99. The humidity will suffocate you.
100. The rain will make you pruney.
101. And finally….never do yoga. It cannot be confirmed, but it is assumed something terrible will happen, like “getting stuck that way”, becoming ill for all the strange movements, or being kidnapped by a yogi.
**I in no way mean any disrespect to the Indian culture. From what I know it seems a truly lovely culture and country and I cannot wait to get to know India.
2. Don't drink buffalo milk.
3. In fact, don't eat dairy at all.
4. Don't drink the water from the tap.
5. Don't sallow the water in the shower.
6. Don't drink the rain water.
7. In fact, don't drink water at all.
8. Because even boiling it won't help.
9. Don't eat this type of curry. You will throw up and die.
10. Don't eat that type of curry. You will just throw up.
11. Don't eat this other type of curry. You will have endless diarrhea.
12. The spices will be too hot and make you ill.
13. The chai will be spicy and make you ill.
14. Don't eat street food.
15. Unless it is cooked. But even then you will get endless diarrhea.
16. Don't eat fruit.
17. Unless it has a skin to peel. But even then you will get sick.
18. In fact, anything you eat will give you diarrhea and make you terribly ill.
19. You know what, just avoid eat anything from India at all.
20. Don't fast though, you may be inspired by the sadhus you see, but if you do you will die.
21. Oh and don't eat the meat.
22. Especially beef. Either cows or people will get you.
23. Don't eat the pork.
24. Don't eat the chicken.
25. Don't eat the monkeys, water buffalo, dogs, cats, elephants, camels or any other animal.
26. We don't care if you are vegetarian, that will make you ill too.
27. Also, if you eat anything there is a good chance it is drugged.
28. Don't smile anyone. This will result in automatic kidnapping.
29. Don’t talk to anyone. This will result in automatic kidnapping.
30. Don’t acknowledge anyone. This will result in automatic kidnapping.
31. Avoid getting friendly with even the people you know. This may result in kidnapping.
32. Don't travel around the city. You will get lost and kidnapped. And probably killed.
33. Don't walk. You will get run over by crazy elephants.
34. Don't walk. You will get run over by crazy bike rickshaws.
35. Don’t walk. You will get run over by crazy auto-rickshaws.
36. Don’t walk. You will get run over by crazy cars.
37. Don’t walk. You will get run over crazy buses.
38. Don’t walk. Toxic pollutants will soak into your feet from the street flith.
39. Don’t ride elephants. You will fall off and die.
40. Don’t ride bike rickshaws. You will be maimed or die.
41. Don’t ride auto rickshaws. You will be maimed or die.
42. Don’t ride the buses. You will crash or tumble off a cliff and either way die.
43. Don’t ride the trains. They explode.
44. Don’t ride the metro. It is too much like New York where bad things happen.
45. Don’t leave the apartment. Bad things will happen.
46. Don’t stay in the apartment. You will be robbed then killed.
47. Don’t travel to other cities. Bad things will happen.
48. Don’t go to the country side. Bad things will happen.
49. Don’t go outside. If you do will get malaria.
50. In fact, you will get malaria no matter what.
51. Don’t breathe around other humans. If you do you will get TB.
52. Polo. You’ll get it somehow.
53. Don’t touch anything metal. If you do you will get tetanus.
54. Don’t eat, drink or touch anything. If you do you will get Hepatitis A and B.
55. It doesn’t matter if you have medication or have had vaccines for these illnesses you will get them anyway.
56. Don’t go out at night. You will automatically disappear and never been seen again.
57. Don’t go out alone. You will automatically disappear and never been seen again.
58. As a woman, you should especially never do the two aforementioned points. You will disappear extra mysteriously and never be seen even more indefinitely.
59. Also as a woman, you should never go running. Staring and perhaps something more dangerous will happen.
60. As a woman, you should not rock climb or climb any other structure. Something dangerous will happen.
61. As a woman, you should not interact with men at all. Bad and unspeakable things will happen.
62. As a woman, you must dress to cover your legs or something terrible will happen.
63. As a woman, you must dress to cover your shoulders or something terrible will happen.
64. As a woman, you must dress, at times, to cover your hair or something terrible will happen.
65. As a woman, you will be “eve-teased” to the point of near death.
66. Frankly, as a woman, your chances of survival are slim.
67. Watch out for the monkeys. They will get in a fight with you then give you rabies.
68. Watch out for the elephants. They will trample you.
69. Watch out for the cows. They’ll do something bad to you.
70. Watch out for the newly discovered flesh eating virus that lives in puddles.
71. Watch out for human traffic. You might be trampled.
72. Watch out for Human Traffickers. You might be trafficked.
73. Avoid festivals. There will be a mass stamped and you will be trampled.
74. Avoid Hindu temples. You might break the rules and be harmed.
75. Avoid Buddhist temples. You might break the rules and be harmed.
76. Avoid Sikh temples. You might break the rules and be harmed.
77. Avoid Mosques. You might break the rules and be harmed.
78. Avoid Baha’i temples. You might break the rules and be harmed.
79. Just avoid religion in general. It is just too controversial for your health.
80. Avoid too much sight-seeing. You will go blind.
81. Avoid the markets/bazaars. You may barter poorly and be harmed.
82. Pickpockets will get you and steal everything.
83. You’re identity will be stolen and you will lose everything.
84. The beggars will make you feel bad and you give all you have.
85. Baksheesh will confuse you and in the process you will lose all your money.
86. Don’t do anything vaguely illegal. You will be arrested and rot in a jail forever.
87. Don’t do drugs in India. They’ll kill you, just like in the U.S.
88. Don’t do drugs in India. You will be arrested and rot in a jail forever.
89. Don’t fly on Air France’s Air Bus on your way to India. It’ll crash.
90. Don’t fly on Air France’s Air Bus on your way from India. It’ll crash.
91. Terrorists. Self explanatory.
92. Don’t go near the rivers, no matter how holy. You will drown.
93. Don’t climb a mountain. You will fall off and die.
94. Don’t climb a mountain. You will get lost and freeze to death.
95. Avoid the ocean. Bad oceanic things will happen: tsunamis, sharks, rogue waves, drowning.
96. Avoid forests. Bad forest-like things will happen: fires, elephants, rogue animals, lost.
97. You will actually probably get lost no matter where you go.
98. The hot weather will give you heat-stroke.
99. The humidity will suffocate you.
100. The rain will make you pruney.
101. And finally….never do yoga. It cannot be confirmed, but it is assumed something terrible will happen, like “getting stuck that way”, becoming ill for all the strange movements, or being kidnapped by a yogi.
**I in no way mean any disrespect to the Indian culture. From what I know it seems a truly lovely culture and country and I cannot wait to get to know India.
No comments:
Post a Comment